Do you know what those words mean? I had spent the better part of forty minutes crafting a long "very honest" post about this on my commute to work this morning. However as I went to review and save the phone browser glitched and I lost it. It was honest, heart-felt & raw. It was maybe just God's way of reminding me that I sometimes need to talk to the Powers That Be ... because although I managed to find the post after I had logged back in - I reviewed it, corrected two misspelt words and clicked save --- only to get a security token error & lose the post entirely. When everything seems to be conspiring against you - you can either go to a victim place, or you can consider another option. I choose the latter.
So I will simply tell you that I quoted Jacob Marley, i quoted two distinct Alan Parson Project songs. I criticized all of mankind & I exposed what was likely too much truth without exposing my deepest darkest faults. Oh, and I admitted that I am growing tired of losing my patience with the people closest to me when I cannot express my fears, doubts & insecurities.
So, after I got angry at the futility of having made the effort, I picked myself up and came to the office. I opened my daily meditation only to fine " If we maintain our spiritual condition daily, we find it easier to deal with the pain and confusion. " And then I thought to myself, yep ... what I wrote was for the most part between myself & my Higher Power ... While you may have found it insightful or entertaining or frightening, it was too honest for this place.
I do miss having a trusted confidant with whom I can discuss the storms that ravage my mind and the darkness that haunts my soul. I honestly do miss the comfort that those talks would give me. I miss having a friend (or even a therapist) who could sit and listen when I rambled on until the little light went on. OR who would be company while I struggled through the depths of depressive episodes ... Fighting this unending battle alone somedays feels beyond my pain tolerance. Of course, that is just the shadow trying to get in my head and convince me of a lie. I know that I have got this.... But that other post ended with a quote that reminded me that I have got this ... & I will be F.I.N.E.
There's a sign in the dessert, that lies to the west; where you can't tell the night from the sunrise ...