I chose June 22, 1989 - I may have mentioned this before, but I actually have no idea what was my first day without. All I know is that as I approached the anniversary of my first year of recovery I was asked to record my Clean-Date. I have never been a fan of the "linear-time" concept; I see time as overlapping circles, or as whirlpool like funnels. I understand that in this reality most people mark time as a unidirectional linear process, but "is/was/were/will be" is more complicated than that.
I had no idea, but I mark time seasonally - the wheel turns - the sun crosses a line - a season comes & goes. I knew for a fact that on Summer Solstice in 1989 I had already begun the Road of Recovery. I thought nothing of stating that the day after the longest day of the year (I live north of the equator) I was certain that I had quit; It was symbolic as much as it was factual. And I did not have to tell anyone that "I did not know". If you know me well, you would know that I was always afraid that if I were to admit that "I did not know" it would confirm what my family had tormented me with all those years - it would prove that I was the RETARD that my family had called me for the better part of my childhood. If that word offends you, please know that IT IS JUST A WORD; it has a meaning and I am not afraid to use or even own it. I am retarded while I am trapped in this mortal shell. I am stardust and the stuff that GOD IS wrapped in dust and water with a current running through it. But I digress. There may be a day when I write more about that but this is about the anniversary of June 22, 1989.
Today marks the thirty-third anniversary of that date; I have not hit a meeting in ages. I do not have a sponsor; I have no sponsees - I do not know that anyone who attends what was my last Homegorup would recognize me, but I am still walking the Road of Recovery. I owe a debt of Gratitude to Jimmy K and others who had the courage to meet (unlawfully) in California all those years ago to start what would become Narcotics Anonymous. A.A., while I respect and appreciate it today, would not have worked for me because I had no respect for what my father called his sobriety. I know now that not everyone in in a fellowship looking for the same thing. Hence the saying "some are sicker than others"; Indeed, even my own journey would not have worked for many. But today I am clean & sober for 33 plus years of Just For Todays. And AS I read the words that I remember oh so well tears still come to the corners of my eyes. I found HOPE - I found purpose & a reason to live; I found that in N.A.
We Do Recover When at the end of the road we find that we can no longer function as a human being, either with or without drugs, we all face the same dilemma. What is there left to do? There seems to be this alternative: either go on as best we can to the bitter ends—jails, institutions or death—or find a new way to live. In years gone by, very few addicts ever had this last choice. Those who are addicted today are more fortunate. For the first time in man’s entire history, a simple way has been proving itself in the lives of many addicts. It is available to us all. This is a simple spiritual—not religious—program, known as Narcotics Anonymous. © 1986 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc., PO Box 9999, Van Nuys, CA 91409 |