I was thinking about a lost friend. I know that the recent uptick in people that I know & their circle of friends & family having experienced a surge in deaths & loss is most likely behind it. That and the Thinning Of The Veil coupled with the Full Moon & it's Moon Tides have caused the shadow deep within to stir an awaken.
I had an acquaintance a very long time ago. That person & I came together on the most casual of levels, but I liked that person. I liked who I thought they were; I liked their energy, and I liked the idea of that individual as a friend. That person kept giving me the "stay at arms length" vibe. So one evening I asked outright and that person expressed that while they would like to be a friend that they wanted nothing more. To which I responded, "well, just say so & let's get on with being friends". I continued to interact with her from that point on with that understanding. We never really became friends. I do not know if that was because she was not willing, incapable of it or if possibly, she had just not had the courage to be honest and say that she did not like me at all. Who knows? If that person were to walk into my world tomorrow, would I be obligated to try to accept my friend exactly as she is because I said "Let's be friends"? In my black & white world, the answer is yes. Because Accepting my friends exactly as they are is part of being a friend.
I had a slip today, and started an argument with a stranger on the bus. I felt that while the entire upper deck was empty his wanting to sit in a seat 3 feet away from me was too close, and I asked him if he would like to sit on my lap? the conversation was not pleasant and it was not until the gentle man in the seat behind him asked me why I did not leave him alone (for the 3rd time) that it occurred to me that I was being an as_hole. I started to make an apology & the other individual again tried to put me in my place. I explained to him that I was trying to apologize. For the first time in a very long time I had to check myself; I felt rage & wanted to beat both of them. Nasty, angry ... tired of being pushed around ... & then I saw it. I told the first one that I was sorry, I was having a bad day & it came out sideways - he did not deserve any of that. I tried to apologize to the other but his earbuds were in and he heard none of it. Before I got off the bus I once again made a point of expressing my shame, and regret for my unacceptable behaviour.
And while I walked a couple of miles to where I was going, I reflected on why I was being one of those ... I asked myself how I would explain to the Powers That Be how someone who should understand could possibly justify Being A Monster?