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First, I survived COVID but it kicked my butt for the better part of 2 weeks.  My Running has not quite returned to where I was at before it hit me, but I am okay with that.   Another August 01 has come and gone; I still do not know where She is and how She is doing, but I have to trust that The Universe & The Powers That Be (TPB) are caring for her.  There are many random thoughts ... but one that stood out was a recent passing of a young mother.   She was born during the week that I found recovery.  Her entire life was officially not as long as my string of Just-For-Todays   ...   and she leaves behind a young son.    The First time I met her she was a classmate of a person I would call a "friend".   The last time that I can remember having seen her she was in recovery & had connected with some people who I felt indicated she was destined to succeed.  Funny how things are not always what they seem.

Yesterday, while I was in the middle of a very hot and challenging run, I stopped at a gas-bar off the trail to buy a popsicle - 2 actually.  when I came back out a gentleman who had been in his car when I walked in was standing there ... He said that he remembered me from a Learn To Run Clinic that we had both been in.  That was about 18 years ago ...   we chatted briefly while I ate one of my popsicles.  He had not kept up with running but was impressed that I still ran.   I told him that I was doing a fair bit more walking than I used to and that it was just as good as we get to be older.   I hope that he finds some motivation & maybe one day I will see him out at a race again.   I finished the first popsicle, unwrapped the second & bid him a good day ... I restarted my Garmin & got back to my run with my second popsicle in hand.   Again, it is funny how you never really know who you touch as you pass through the world.   

Lastly, in the past month or two (I do not do linear time well)  ... two of the daughters of people I knew as young single moms back in the 80's (or was it the 90s) have gotten married.   I remember the first time I met one - in a bassinette, in a parking lot - & the other in a stroller on a street corner - and while I know that both had grown and become young adults  ... I marveled at the perfection of what is life.   The turning of the wheel  ... the cycle of omniscience, dust-wrapped-electrically-charged imperfection, & return to perfection ....  As I hurtle through time & space, I think "funny how things just are".  Be Well.  Know that you are loved ... 

 

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So, last Thursday I woke up feeling like crap.   I had had a sore throat for a day and now I am trying to get better. Thursday I tested negative, but symptomatically I was certain.  I have three days of positive (haven't tested yet today) and I'm starting to run out of convienent food. 

 

A lot of sleep ,.?. I hate the dizziness and headaches.  I'm feeling better but oh so tired!

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I chose June 22, 1989 -  I may have mentioned this before, but I actually have no idea what was my first day without.  All I know is that as I approached the anniversary of my first year of recovery I was asked to record my Clean-Date.  I have never been a fan of the "linear-time" concept; I see time as overlapping circles, or as whirlpool like funnels.  I understand that in this reality most people mark time as a unidirectional linear process, but "is/was/were/will be" is more complicated than that.

 

I had no idea, but I mark time seasonally - the wheel turns - the sun crosses a line - a season  comes & goes.  I knew for a fact that on Summer Solstice in 1989 I had already begun the Road of Recovery.  I thought nothing of stating that the day after the longest day of the year (I live north of the equator) I was certain that I had quit; It was symbolic as much as it was factual.  And I did not have to tell anyone that "I did not know".  If you know me well, you would know that I was always afraid that if I were to admit that "I did not know" it would confirm what my family had tormented me with all those years - it would prove that I was the RETARD that my family had called me for the better part of my childhood.    If that word offends you, please know that IT IS JUST A WORD; it has a meaning and I am not afraid to use or even own it.    I am retarded while I am trapped in this mortal shell.  I am stardust and the stuff that GOD IS wrapped in dust and water with a current running through it. But I digress.  There may be a day when I write more about that but this is about the anniversary of June 22, 1989. 

  

Today marks the thirty-third anniversary of that date;  I have not hit a meeting in ages.   I do not have a sponsor; I have no sponsees - I do not know that anyone who attends what was my last Homegorup would recognize me, but I am still walking the Road of Recovery.   I owe a debt of Gratitude to Jimmy K and others who had the courage to meet (unlawfully) in California all those years ago to start what would become Narcotics Anonymous.  A.A., while I respect and appreciate it today, would not have worked for me because I had no respect for what my father called his sobriety.  I know now that not everyone in in a fellowship looking for the same thing.  Hence the saying "some are sicker than others";  Indeed, even my own journey would not have worked for many.   But today I am clean & sober for 33 plus years of Just For Todays.   And AS I read the words that I remember oh so well tears still come to the corners of my eyes.   I found HOPE - I found purpose & a reason to live; I found that in N.A. 

 


We Do Recover

When at the end of the road we find that we can no longer function as a human being, either with or without drugs, we all face the same dilemma. What is there left to do? There seems to be this alternative: either go on as best we can to the bitter ends—jails, institutions or death—or find a new way to live. In years gone by, very few addicts ever had this last choice. Those who are addicted today are more fortunate. For the first time in man’s entire history, a simple way has been proving itself in the lives of many addicts. It is available to us all. This is a simple spiritual—not religious—program, known as Narcotics Anonymous.

© 1986 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc., PO Box 9999, Van Nuys, CA 91409
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I was thinking about a lost friend.  I know that the recent uptick in people that I know & their circle of friends & family having experienced a surge in deaths & loss is most likely behind it.   That and the Thinning Of The Veil  coupled with the Full Moon & it's Moon Tides have caused the shadow deep within to stir an awaken.   

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Read more: Absent Friends & Other Thoughts

Do you know what those words mean?   I had spent the better part of forty minutes crafting a long "very honest" post about this on my commute to work this morning.  However as I went to review and save the phone browser glitched and I lost it.   It was honest, heart-felt & raw.   It was maybe just God's way of reminding me that I sometimes need to talk to the Powers That Be  ...  because although I managed to find the post after I had logged back in - I reviewed it, corrected two misspelt words and clicked save --- only to get a security token error & lose the post entirely.    When everything seems to be conspiring against you - you can either go to a victim place, or you can consider another option.  I choose the latter.

So I will simply tell you that I quoted Jacob Marley, i quoted two distinct Alan Parson Project songs.   I criticized all of mankind & I exposed what was likely too much truth without exposing my deepest darkest faults.    Oh, and I admitted that I am growing tired of losing my patience with the people closest to me when I cannot express my fears, doubts & insecurities.   

So, after I got angry at the futility of having made the effort, I picked myself up and came to the office.   I opened my daily meditation only to fine " If we maintain our spiritual condition daily, we find it easier to deal with the pain and confusion.  "  And then I thought to myself, yep ... what I wrote was for the most part between myself & my Higher Power  ...   While you may have found it insightful or entertaining or frightening, it was too honest for this place.   

I do miss having a trusted confidant with whom I can discuss the storms that ravage my mind and the darkness that haunts my soul.   I honestly do miss the comfort that those talks would give me.     I miss having a friend (or even a therapist) who could sit and listen when I rambled on  until the little light went on.  OR who would be company while I struggled through the depths of depressive episodes  ...   Fighting this unending battle alone somedays feels beyond my pain tolerance.  Of course, that is just the shadow trying to get in my head and convince me of a lie.  I know that I have got this....  But that other post ended with a quote that reminded me that I have got this ... & I will be F.I.N.E. 

There's a sign in the dessert, that lies to the west; where you can't tell the night from the sunrise ...

 

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Okay, well ...  230.0 Lbs this morning.  I don't recall getting to 225, so if it happened it didn't last for three days.   That is the arbitrary line where I consider having reached a weight.  So my pattern of bad eating is still a challenge.   Count One Blessing.

 

Of course there is still a pandemic and COVID-19 continues to be the main news each day.    I am so tired of it but the numbers in the last week have been concerning enough that I now double-mask on the public transit - and in the company of friends.   It isn't looking like people understand how this works and any excuse to convince themselves that the suggestions for avoiding and minimizing exposure are no longer necessary seem to be good enough for the majority.    After all ...  We have vaccines.   I mean not enough for everyone, and the vaccine isn't foolproof but it seems people want to believe it is the cure.    I DO NOT WANT TO GAZE BEYOND THE VEIL ...   because knowing the who and the when and the why makes me so sad.     But each to their own - right?    Count One Blessing; mankind was Gifted with Freedom Of Choice.  

 

My yesterday my today and my tomorrow are overlapping in a way that is not common.   It is bad enough when it is just inside my head, but no my physical reality is doing it too.   I wonder where this leads?     Onward & Upwards ...

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