So I have had the opportunity again recently to walk amongst the race of man ... and God was there with me. I remember many different shadows throughout the days of man ... and I have seen wonders & horrors. I have seen them both in abundance ... and I have witnessed the ebb and flow of both in balance & as they get from time to time got out of balance. The universe is an unusual place. It abhors a vacuum; it strives for perfect harmony in some instances & chaos and cataclysm in others.
On the most recent sojourns we chanced upon a a man ... you might say he was down on his luck. He had been told that he was mentally ill. He had been informed that he was going to spend the remainder of his days living a shell of a life. He had accepted his lot in life and he was willing to give up on any semblance of a fulfilling existence in exchange for the comfort of a pharm-induced numbness & having his base needs provided by people who deceive themselves into believing that their philanthropy is "good enough".
... and as we walked along I cried ...
A little further on we stopped for coffee and we stared into the vast expanse & watched as a woman puttered away in her yard doing tasks that were, in my opinion, unnecessary. And I asked why a woman with so few days left on the clock would fritter away such a precious resource? God smiled and reminded me that we were watching Holiday TV ... and the woman was in her yard ... on the afternoon of a day when she should have been surrounded by the family she had brought into the world. But ... today they were busy ... busy punishing her ... although they would deny it and tell you that their mother deserved what she was getting. They firmly belied that they were justified in their disrespectful behaviour. It was sad that we knew this was their last chance to enjoy a turkey dinner together ... and they were wasting time being selfish. It was even more sad to watch this woman struggle alone wondering why it was wrong to have lived with integrity and to have made the right choices. There were moments when she questioned her faith ... and she wished she had the opportunity to do it all again - she told herself that she would make the choice that they wanted even if it meant doing the wrong thing - just so she would not have to suffer these last few EMPTY years.
... and as we watched God cried ...
The stories you have just read are true, the names have been changed to protect the innocent - and the guilty. They are truths that the universe abhors; they are truths that God & I abhor. But the point of my story is that I am wondering if they are your truths? Can you ask yourself? Have I bought into the disposable consumer society to the point where I believe that PEOPLE are disposable? Because if you have answered yes to any of that .... YOU make me cry.
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So it is here; it is race weekend. I will be running a half marathon on Sunday morning. It will not be my first, and it isn't the farthest distance I will have run, but since I haven't properly trained it won't be easy either.
However, I will toe the line & God willing, I will cross the finish line about 2 & a half hours later. Between now and then, I will enjoy the company of good friends and the woman I love. I will cherish each moment ... and I will be grateful.
... for everything.
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For the record I have been struggling with anger and depression for the past few days. Fear is a funny thing.
To the point, I have been reflecting on a few aspects of my life. One has been concerning the quality of the interpersonal relationships as it is. I have many acquaintances and seldom need to feel alone. Yet I feel alone frequently.
Recently, I had a person reach out to u me from the mist of time. At a point in the past I tried at least twice to nurture what we had as a friendship and grow it into something more than the almost superficial towards a deeper , more meaningful level. Each time that person drifted away; as is/was/will be their right.
Contrast with, I recently had reached out to a friend that was/had slipped away a bit. I asked for a face-to-face during a time that I knew to be less hectic their annual cycle. As it was, chaos ensued and they remained unable to find time.
Very recently the friend from the first paragraph decide that I was not giving them the level of attention that they had expected or wanted and expressed that in a private message. (Now remember, I am struggling with anger). I decided to to respond ; mostly because I had nothing nice to say.
When I reflected on this today, I realize that I cannot expect anybody that has not been an ongoing immediate priority in my life to make time for me simply because I feel our friendship slipping from my grasp. While I may long for more time, (and as much as I hate to subscribe to the concept of linear time) the time that we have is a finite quantity. Furthermore that time is slipping away from the moment of our first breath until our last. It is all we have and we don't get "do-overs".
Just For Today: I need to try to remember this as I walk through my 86,400 seconds. Be Well, Try To Be Kind and know that You Are LOVED!
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I was thinking about a lost friend. I know that the recent uptick in people that I know & their circle of friends & family having experienced a surge in deaths & loss is most likely behind it. That and the Thinning Of The Veil coupled with the Full Moon & it's Moon Tides have caused the shadow deep within to stir an awaken.
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First, I survived COVID but it kicked my butt for the better part of 2 weeks. My Running has not quite returned to where I was at before it hit me, but I am okay with that. Another August 01 has come and gone; I still do not know where She is and how She is doing, but I have to trust that The Universe & The Powers That Be (TPB) are caring for her. There are many random thoughts ... but one that stood out was a recent passing of a young mother. She was born during the week that I found recovery. Her entire life was officially not as long as my string of Just-For-Todays ... and she leaves behind a young son. The First time I met her she was a classmate of a person I would call a "friend". The last time that I can remember having seen her she was in recovery & had connected with some people who I felt indicated she was destined to succeed. Funny how things are not always what they seem.
Yesterday, while I was in the middle of a very hot and challenging run, I stopped at a gas-bar off the trail to buy a popsicle - 2 actually. when I came back out a gentleman who had been in his car when I walked in was standing there ... He said that he remembered me from a Learn To Run Clinic that we had both been in. That was about 18 years ago ... we chatted briefly while I ate one of my popsicles. He had not kept up with running but was impressed that I still ran. I told him that I was doing a fair bit more walking than I used to and that it was just as good as we get to be older. I hope that he finds some motivation & maybe one day I will see him out at a race again. I finished the first popsicle, unwrapped the second & bid him a good day ... I restarted my Garmin & got back to my run with my second popsicle in hand. Again, it is funny how you never really know who you touch as you pass through the world.
Lastly, in the past month or two (I do not do linear time well) ... two of the daughters of people I knew as young single moms back in the 80's (or was it the 90s) have gotten married. I remember the first time I met one - in a bassinette, in a parking lot - & the other in a stroller on a street corner - and while I know that both had grown and become young adults ... I marveled at the perfection of what is life. The turning of the wheel ... the cycle of omniscience, dust-wrapped-electrically-charged imperfection, & return to perfection .... As I hurtle through time & space, I think "funny how things just are". Be Well. Know that you are loved ...
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A few images from the Bonavista day that didn't fit anywhere else
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Images from the Bonavista Lighthouse stop. The fog, & the sea birds ... and more
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