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So yesterday I weighed in at 225 lbs;  I believe that is the first time since I was on the way up that I have ever weighed that little.    Today is a different story of course.   I am back to 226.1 and while I wish that I had held on longer I am not worried.   The current COVID  Pandemic  has been tough & I love to eat.   I have been 226.1 for the better part of a week & the trend is overall downwards.    This month the measurement of the belly to waist ratio was considerably different and I am pleased with the overall fat-loss pattern that is observable in my body.    I see a slow (read: manageable/maintainable) pattern & I am satisfied.   Not that I could not (1) put in more effort or (2) achieve faster results but I will stay the course.    What began in September of 2018 was an attempt to lose 33.5 pounds (what was then 13% of my body weight) -  yesterday I was 25 pounds lighter than the starting weight.    I have a way to go yet but I need to remember that shortly after the COVID lockdown began I had slipped back up to 237.5 lbs ... before I caught myself and corrected some self-sabotaging patterns.   

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Category: What Do You Want From Life?
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Not for anything good, but to be  unforgettable all the same.   Too many people have died already and it just keeps coming.   I grow weary of this crap.  

I miss having a choice of whether I want to associate with people or not.    I miss being able to go out and sit and watch the world go by ... without having to watch people all consumed with fear for their lives.    And I absolutely loath the morons who minimize the danger because they cannot conceive of how they might cause someone else to die.     In their mortal shells they do not remember how that kind of behaviour will affect their soul going forward.    

 

I think of the Marley character in the book "The Christmas Carol"  .... dragging his chains  ....   and I look around me and I watch as all the little people go about their shallow lives forging their own chains.    And I ponder how heavy mins is already and how much more it will weigh on the day I take it up to carry through eternity.   

 

I am tired.

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There are many people on this planet that I do not care for.  But there are some who I try to keep track of.  Many of those I have simply wrapped with a strand of my soul and when I need to I reach out with my mind and reassure myself.   But Few years ago I let someone that I loved walk away.   On that day I retracted the strand that i had with her .... i let her go with my blessing as was her choice.

 

That does not mean that I do not worry.  On the contrary, she had relocated to Texas and each time a storm got to close I asked the four winds to spare my friend ....   From time to time I feel her as close as New Jersey.  But it has been a long while since I actively sought her out.   

 

I have to trust that she will be/is/was going to be okay.   But, still, I worry; and I miss her..

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Category: What Do You Want From Life?
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So last week was Easter and I posted something I will share with you.   And then I will add today's thoughts.

 

I need to tell you something, it is something that I need to say. I normally wouldn't express this stuff .... but today I think that it should be spoken into the universe - into existence.

I miss you! I miss seeing your face, I miss hearing your voice. I miss the scent of you on the air, I miss your energy as our souls overlap in the course of our day-to-day ... busy-ness. I also miss how it feels when you collectively experience anything other than apprehension and fear. I miss you in ways many will never understand. And know that I miss many of you who do not truly know how much I admire, respect, value, and or love you.

But more than I miss your company,. I LOVE YOU

Let me repeat that because I cannot say that enough. I LOVE YOU - and because of that, I will gladly endure the solitude. I will endure the relentless waves of the collective fear, anger, and apprehension that crash against the rocky shore at the base of the tower of my psychic fortifications. Because I love you I want to continue missing you in the short term so that when this has passed - and this will pass - I can continue to to enjoy having you in my world for decades to come.

I miss you and I Love You and I hope this message finds its way to you and finds you well I encourage you to remember how important it is to tell the people who matter that they are precious to you. Today is a good day to do that.

BE WELL; know that you are loved. Consider yourself hugged.

 

 

 

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Today .... There was a plan.   Work, for lack of anything better; besides I have been I a funky headspace, so better that I keep my mind occupied.    Lunch with a friend, because time spent with people that you love is precious.    Maybe a treat .... After all it is the Magician's Birthday - and cake is good.

 

So I wake up early.  Shit shower shave and shovel the driveway because it is a storm.  I walk the 2km towards work and stop at the local Best Western for breakfast.  A treat and it was good.  I walk across to my local coffee shop and watch the people coming and going.   I have time.   My boss is running a bit late and I am way early.  I make it into the office and begin clearing my inbox ..... The phone rings; it is just after 08:10h.

 

I've lost a friend last night.   The last I had heard she was recovering from surgery to remove a growth from  her occipital lobe - it had gone well.   Four days later we are heartbroken ..... She has left behind a husband, 2 children and many many friends.    And so much more; we had all signed up to run multiple races.   There is an 11 year old son who has a birthday tomorrow!     The dog needs walking .... The 20-something daughter needs her friend and confidante.     And her husband ..... So much left undone and so many left to carry on without her.   

 

I Cried!   I got angry with God!  I left work and went to spend time with my girlfriend ... and we cried.  So much grief.   Sad .....     I Had A Plan, but then it changed.   Such is life.  

 

When you talk to the people who matter in your world, make certain to remind them of your love.    Every time - know this .... If you do you will always have the comfort of knowing that the last time you spoke to someone that you have lost you will have said "I Love You"  

 

Today I am sad.   Today cake was swapped out for Apple Crumble as dessert during lunch with a friend.   Today I grieve for a little boy who will wake up tomorrow, and for years to come, on his birthday knowing that his mom died the day before he turned twelve.   Today I am reminded that while I find it challenging to remember to be grateful..... that I live by the Grace of my Higher Power.    Today ... The Magician's Birthday. 

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So, last September I began a challenge that was to try to lose 13% of my body weight in the following 12 months.    I have to tell you that I will not have accomplished that goal by tomorrow.  

I am down just under 20 pounds as of this morning.   The most I was down was 20.5 pounds a few weeks back in the late spring.    Now,   I will not be abandoning this goal  (for the record I needed to lose 33.5 pounds) just because I have not hit that target.    I will continue to eat and exercise and pay attention.    I will try to hit and surpass that goal going forward.    I have a couple of actual target weights in mind ... the original target being one and possibly 20 additional pounds beyond that.    But I am not setting a time target.   At least not for the time being.    

We Shall  See  ... 

 

 

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