So last week was Easter and I posted something I will share with you. And then I will add today's thoughts.
I need to tell you something, it is something that I need to say. I normally wouldn't express this stuff .... but today I think that it should be spoken into the universe - into existence.
I miss you! I miss seeing your face, I miss hearing your voice. I miss the scent of you on the air, I miss your energy as our souls overlap in the course of our day-to-day ... busy-ness. I also miss how it feels when you collectively experience anything other than apprehension and fear. I miss you in ways many will never understand. And know that I miss many of you who do not truly know how much I admire, respect, value, and or love you.
But more than I miss your company,. I LOVE YOU
Let me repeat that because I cannot say that enough. I LOVE YOU - and because of that, I will gladly endure the solitude. I will endure the relentless waves of the collective fear, anger, and apprehension that crash against the rocky shore at the base of the tower of my psychic fortifications. Because I love you I want to continue missing you in the short term so that when this has passed - and this will pass - I can continue to to enjoy having you in my world for decades to come.
I miss you and I Love You and I hope this message finds its way to you and finds you well I encourage you to remember how important it is to tell the people who matter that they are precious to you. Today is a good day to do that.
BE WELL; know that you are loved. Consider yourself hugged.
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So it has been another month. I continue to race headlong to my death - one day at a time. I have been trying to wean myself off of FarceBook & I have deleted my Twit-er account (because I seemed to keep getting into fights with opinionated people that do not understand that their opinions do not matter any more than the stuff that we each flush down toilets daily).
But at the beginning of the summer I asked a friend to try to make time for coffee. Their job affords them a little more free time at that part of the year - so I was hoping to see their face & hear their voice. But that has not yet happened. I did lose a few more friends - one was a member of a "step-working-group" that I once participated in. The other had connections to my world in a myriad of ways that remind me that although we are distinct entities in this existence we are very much all still connected to each other.
Be Well, Be Content (and if not affect change), Be kind to each other as you pass through the void. Consider yourself hugged.
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I woke up feeling run down last Saturday morning. But I had a fun 5km race on my schedule so just ignore that, right? I have spent the week (2 actual days off work - I almost never miss work) and coughing fits... green phlegm... you get the idea. That lovely ring of scar tissue in my windpipe is irritated and I'm tired of gagging on the poison that my lungs feel a need to produce. Tired of sick - time to Be Well.
Last night I attended "Between Breaths" at the National Arts Center, in Ottawa, it was in the small theatre beyond the fountain. I don't recall ever having seen anything in that one before. I see lots of shows in the big hall but this was different. I found it challenging to not have a coughing fit every time I head someone else cough. But I managed to not disturb the show. It is an interesting story and even if it wasn't a Newfoundland thing I would recommend that you try to see it.
I have one week until I run the half marathon in Ottawa's Race Weekend... I can grow new lungs in less than 8days. Allons-y!
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And I am on lunch .... I had a feeling the other evening that someone might be closer than Dallas - which was the last known place that I knew she had gone.
I miss my friend. I trust The Universe to treat her kindly.
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... it will be the anniversary of someone's birthday. I hope that life is being kind to them. And elsewhere in my life other friends struggle to cope with the grief of having lost a loved one - unexpectedly.
Me, I am just trying to keep on going. I'm tired, I'm afraid of growing old and finding myself alone.... and I'm still wasting time waiting for it all to get better.
Sigh... insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results.
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So LinkedIn started telling me that I people are congratulation me on my Work Anniversary; 18 years. That's Nice! The thing is, I never see these people face to face. Technology has a way of isolating people and they are not even aware that they are trapped.
I have my demons and one of them is depression. I have lived with it for years. I survived more than a decade of self-medication. I survived a prolonged period of other behaviours that did not involve narcotic mood-altering substances but other forms of acting out to modify my moods. And then I realized that depression was not a fatal illness - as long as one did not decide to takes one's own life. --- and in case you missed that point I will say it again. As Long As You Do Not Kill Yourself, Depression Will Not Kill YOU! It might hurt - it might hurt so deep down inside you that you may not be able to find hope or the will to go on, but if you ride it out you will come out the other side and you will feel better again. I have a Step-By-Step-Action-Plan that started with "Wake Up" and ended with "say Thank You" and Go To Sleep" ... and on an 11 by 17 piece of lined yellow notepad paper had everything that needed to be done in order to live one day. And there were days that I could not complete all of those tasks but I always started at the top and ended with the last three "Prayer & Meditation" being the other.
I have a hole in my soul that hurts from time to time, but I know how to survive. I am stronger than my brain has believed .... from time to time. And just for today, that is good enough.
If you haven't been told lately, I love you. You matter to somebody. Now think about who those people might be, pick up the telephone and call one of them. The Need To Hear Your Voice ... and if possible, meet them for coffee ... They Need A Hug From YOU! Believe Me ... Today is the best day to do that.
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Today .... There was a plan. Work, for lack of anything better; besides I have been I a funky headspace, so better that I keep my mind occupied. Lunch with a friend, because time spent with people that you love is precious. Maybe a treat .... After all it is the Magician's Birthday - and cake is good.
So I wake up early. Shit shower shave and shovel the driveway because it is a storm. I walk the 2km towards work and stop at the local Best Western for breakfast. A treat and it was good. I walk across to my local coffee shop and watch the people coming and going. I have time. My boss is running a bit late and I am way early. I make it into the office and begin clearing my inbox ..... The phone rings; it is just after 08:10h.
I've lost a friend last night. The last I had heard she was recovering from surgery to remove a growth from her occipital lobe - it had gone well. Four days later we are heartbroken ..... She has left behind a husband, 2 children and many many friends. And so much more; we had all signed up to run multiple races. There is an 11 year old son who has a birthday tomorrow! The dog needs walking .... The 20-something daughter needs her friend and confidante. And her husband ..... So much left undone and so many left to carry on without her.
I Cried! I got angry with God! I left work and went to spend time with my girlfriend ... and we cried. So much grief. Sad ..... I Had A Plan, but then it changed. Such is life.
When you talk to the people who matter in your world, make certain to remind them of your love. Every time - know this .... If you do you will always have the comfort of knowing that the last time you spoke to someone that you have lost you will have said "I Love You"
Today I am sad. Today cake was swapped out for Apple Crumble as dessert during lunch with a friend. Today I grieve for a little boy who will wake up tomorrow, and for years to come, on his birthday knowing that his mom died the day before he turned twelve. Today I am reminded that while I find it challenging to remember to be grateful..... that I live by the Grace of my Higher Power. Today ... The Magician's Birthday.
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