Do you know what those words mean? I had spent the better part of forty minutes crafting a long "very honest" post about this on my commute to work this morning. However as I went to review and save the phone browser glitched and I lost it. It was honest, heart-felt & raw. It was maybe just God's way of reminding me that I sometimes need to talk to the Powers That Be ... because although I managed to find the post after I had logged back in - I reviewed it, corrected two misspelt words and clicked save --- only to get a security token error & lose the post entirely. When everything seems to be conspiring against you - you can either go to a victim place, or you can consider another option. I choose the latter.
So I will simply tell you that I quoted Jacob Marley, i quoted two distinct Alan Parson Project songs. I criticized all of mankind & I exposed what was likely too much truth without exposing my deepest darkest faults. Oh, and I admitted that I am growing tired of losing my patience with the people closest to me when I cannot express my fears, doubts & insecurities.
So, after I got angry at the futility of having made the effort, I picked myself up and came to the office. I opened my daily meditation only to fine " If we maintain our spiritual condition daily, we find it easier to deal with the pain and confusion. " And then I thought to myself, yep ... what I wrote was for the most part between myself & my Higher Power ... While you may have found it insightful or entertaining or frightening, it was too honest for this place.
I do miss having a trusted confidant with whom I can discuss the storms that ravage my mind and the darkness that haunts my soul. I honestly do miss the comfort that those talks would give me. I miss having a friend (or even a therapist) who could sit and listen when I rambled on until the little light went on. OR who would be company while I struggled through the depths of depressive episodes ... Fighting this unending battle alone somedays feels beyond my pain tolerance. Of course, that is just the shadow trying to get in my head and convince me of a lie. I know that I have got this.... But that other post ended with a quote that reminded me that I have got this ... & I will be F.I.N.E.
There's a sign in the dessert, that lies to the west; where you can't tell the night from the sunrise ...
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How Does One Identify A Hypocrite?Canadians like to imagine themselves an kind and accepting lot, but many are far from the ideal open minded accepting warm fuzziness that they believe themselves to be.
I just spent an hour and change as a spectator at the ceremony observing the 75th anniversary of the D-Day Landings in downtown Ottawa. Quaint; but it was sparsely attended and the insistence on repeating everything in French (and increasingly now in some first nations dialect as well) made it longer than it needed to be.
Afterwards, I asked an attending MP (military policeman) if there was any reason that I could not approach the Grave of The Unknown Soldier to place a penny on it. His reply was "For theifr security." (referring to the ceremonial guardians) to which I, again, explained the penny, common on headstones. Still "No". I was welcome to lay a wreath, or place a poppy, but my penny was unwelcome. Some Person in uniform behind us said it was an American tradition. It was all I could do to not tell him that if he was so offended by things American that he might want to build a wall along his southern border.
I have left a penny at the cenotaph in Ottawa for longer than there has been an unknown soldier there. But if you want to place a plastic wreath or a plastic poppy there, "fill yer boots"! Today, I had to leave just my respects.... I told the self-righteous tool in uniform that next time I would grow a poppy and bring it.
Which is probably not true. But I won't be placing plastic litter there either. Just For Today, I will take the penny and leave it at the police memorial. And I will reflect on how Freedom is threatened in our time. I have watched as in the name of security, the crowd is pushed back at The Annual Police Memorial Service. How we are more and more closely scrutinized when travelling. The constant and ever increasing closed circuit surveillance that invades our everyday life.
Sometimes it seems we have willingly surrendered to the fear mongering that is used to justify curtailed freedoms. We just don't know if yet. Strangely enough, isn't that the kind of crap we were fighting against 75 years ago?
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... see your face in my dreams tonight.
I thought about my long lost friend again today. I saw somebody walk out of a coffee shop and thought it looked a bit like her. I know it wasn't but I smiled and grieved all the same. It is a week from her birthday so it does not surprise me that she crossed my mind.
But the post of this post is not to focus on that but to remind you that it is a good time to be watching the night sky for shooting stars.
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There are many people on this planet that I do not care for. But there are some who I try to keep track of. Many of those I have simply wrapped with a strand of my soul and when I need to I reach out with my mind and reassure myself. But Few years ago I let someone that I loved walk away. On that day I retracted the strand that i had with her .... i let her go with my blessing as was her choice.
That does not mean that I do not worry. On the contrary, she had relocated to Texas and each time a storm got to close I asked the four winds to spare my friend .... From time to time I feel her as close as New Jersey. But it has been a long while since I actively sought her out.
I have to trust that she will be/is/was going to be okay. But, still, I worry; and I miss her..
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Yes Aug 1st; and on that day ... someone that I miss will turn a year older. They may never know it but I will mark their birthday. I will also mark the birthday of another friend that does still participate in my life from time to time. And that is the point that I want you to take from this. Remember the people that you have lost, misplaced and let go of .... but cherish those friends that opt to stand true.
Be Well, Be Happy .... and if you can, try to leave it better than you found it.
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Isn't that the title of a song? I was off for the last few days; it being Canada Day Weekend here .... and of course I was sick. But I ran in the 5km Canada Day Road Race ... It wasn't pretty, but since I could barely breathe I don't mind. It was fun. A lot of fun. Most years this is a brutally warm run but this year it was a washout .... into every life a little rain must fall ... and it stopped about 2 minutes after I finished. Which is important because I didn't want my post-race-oatmeal-cookie to get soggy. What ever happened to post-race bagels? A stale bagel never tasted so good as after a running race ...
Anyway, I had a quiet weekend beyond that .... Saw the movie "The Hero" with Miss Liz; I recommend that you see it too. It is slow, but it is poignant. And having a friend who has experienced pancreatic cancer I found it even more moving.
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So I am sitting here alone in the girlfriend's house ... and the tv is on to have some noise. because as soon as she went out the door for her run, the tears came. I don't really care much I cried for a minute or two & then I made a coffee & booted up the laptop. Distraction helps.
Why do you cry? Who knows ... today I couldn't even see what feelings were behind the tears. So I just let it go. What ever it is it isn't important.
So in a moment, I will click save & go shower & shave. Those are two of the first items on the list I made all those years ago. I made a list of instructions to live by that helped me survive depression when I first gave up drinking & drugs. Those instructions come back to mind on the days when life gets weird & the shadows threaten to engulf my soul.
Just for today I will have faith ... in the process & in my own ability to survive.
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